grief and loss counselling

What is grief and loss

What are the experiences of grief and loss

What are the stages of grief

How long does it take

Can antidepressants help grief

What helps

What is next

What is grief and loss

Grief is a universal experience which describes all the emotions you feel after a significant loss. It is a natural response to any meaningful loss, real or imagined.

The death of someone you love or care about deeply can cause you to feel the full extent of grief. In many cases the emotions you feel me be unfamiliar or overwhelming. You may feel isolated and that no-one could possibly understand what you are experiencing. It can seem at times as though you are on an roller coaster. This is normal as you are coming to terms with the loss of the relationship.

Other losses may include:

A relationship breakup
Divorce
Lossing a job or status
Loss of possessions
Loss of financial stability
Loss of health
A miscarriage
Loss of a pet
Changes in identity such as sexual abuse, assault, menopause and loss of youth

Each of these losses, depending on how important they were for you, leads to some experience of grief.

What are the experiences of grief and loss

The experiences are many and varied. They can occur for several months or even years after the loss of someone or something you love. Some emotional experiences may include shock, numbness, relief, confusion, sadness, fear, anger, guilt, sleeplessness and loss of appetite.

	Sadness:	Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
	Guilt:	You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.
	Fear:	A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
	Physical symptoms:	People experiencing grief after the death of someone close can be more vulnerable to physical health problems than usual. The most common physical distresses are: Sleeplessness Tightness in the throat A choking feeling Shortness of breath Deep sighing An empty hollow feeling in the stomach Weakness in the muscles A general lack of energy Dry mouth Digestive symptoms and poor appetite Increased sensitivity to noise
	Emotional alternation:	Closely associated with the physical distresses may be certain emotionalalternations, the most common of which are: A slight sense of unreality Feelings of emotional distance from people - that no one really cares or understands. Sometimes people appear shadowy or very small. Sometimes there are feelings of panic, thoughts of self- destruction, or the desire to run away or “chuck it all”.

These emotional disturbances can cause many people to feel they are approaching insanity, but these feelings are actually quite normal.

It is important to know that almost anything of your experience of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.

What are the "stages" of grief

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” You may not experience all of these, and you may not experience them in this order. It is important to realize, however, that what you are feeling is natural and that, with time, you will heal.

It is best not to think of grief as a series of stages. Rather, you might think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

Shock and Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Related feelings: avoidance, confusion, fear, numbness and blame

Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.

Gradually you will become aware of what has happened, and will beable to express your emotions. Other people never go through a prolonged stage of shock. They are able to express emotions immediately.

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Related feelings: frustration, anxiety, imitation, embarrassment, shame

Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry at yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

You may catch yourself responding with a great deal of anger to situations that previously would not have bothered you. The feelings can be surprising and very uncomfortable. They often make people feel that they are going crazy.
Often, there may be feelings of hurt or hostility toward family members who do not or, for various reasons cannot, provide the emotional support that you may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal. Do not suppress your anger. However, it is important that you understand and direct your anger towards what you are really angry at, namely the loss of someone you loved.

Dialouge & Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ...” "If I start praying again, or praying more, maybe I will get well."

Related experiences: Reaching out to others, Desire to tell one’s story, Struggle to find meaning for what has happened.

These are examples of bargining through which a person seekd an extension oftime or at least freedom from pain and discomfort.

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

At times, you may feel total despair, unbearable loneliness, hopelessness and that
nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense if you live alone or have little family. These feelings are normal and should also pass with time.

Grief and clinical depression share similar symptoms and distinguishing between the two isn’t always easy. However, there are ways to tell the difference.

Symptoms that may suggest depression, not just grief include:

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened

This comes gradually. The memories are still there, the love is still there, but the
wound begins to heal. You begin to get on with life. It’s hard to believe now, but
you will feel better. By experiencing deep emotion and accepting it, you will
grow warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these stages – and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

It is important not to look at these stages as a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. There are many responses to loss that people may have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Your grieving processis as unique and personal as our life.

How long does it take

This is the question most often asked. The time is different for everyone. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve and the process may be gradual. We take time to establish a relationship with someone we care about so our adjustment to their loss also takes time.

Can antidepressants help grief

As a general guideline, normal grief does not justify the use of antidepressants. While medication may ease some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Moreover, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process.

What helps

Bereavement and grief are individual processes as we all react differently to loss. Family and friends may provide support, however for some who are grieving it can also be helpful to talk with a professional mental health counsellor.

It can be a confusing time as you deal with a range of strong emotions in response to loss. Counselling can support you through the grieving process, in particular with confronting and working through difficult and painful feelings attached to your memories. Grief counselling can also be helpful at the time of a loss or long after to help you make sense of your own experience.

A very important element in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.

What is next

If you wish to seek grief and loss counselling, Tzach Maya provides specialized therapy, assistance and emotional support for grief, loss and bereavement at his Sydney CBD private practice.

To contact Tzach Maya and know more about his therapeutic approach:

Disclaimer

All health information provided on this site is general in nature and is provided for general information purposes only. The information contained on this site should not be used to diagnose or treat psychological conditions, nor should it be used as an alternative to obtaining counselling advice from a qualified counsellor, psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist or medical practitioner. Please consult a counselling professional or a health care provider about any health concerns you might have about yourself or others. Tzach Maya does not accept liability for any loss or damage associated with the use of this site.